MM#10:

Depression, Without God

In my post, “God Is a Dirty Word,” I spoke briefly about my experiences of having God in my life and of not having God, and what affect that had on me.

Now I felt it might be helpful to go into that a little more, for those who might find it useful.

As a child I had a certainty of God in my life. That’s because I was raised in a way that supported God through my family upbringing, the teachings around me and my weekly attendance of church.

And it felt right. It just felt right that there was this thing called God out there. And I am sure I was quite content with this knowledge and that the entire universe and everything in it was all for a reason and was all operating perfectly well.

But that surety did not last.

When I was a teenager I began a slow drift away from God. It’s hard to know exactly when, as it happened over a period of time.

And so did the trouble it brought on. In fact, it wasn’t even clear to me that my emotional issues might be related to my loss of faith in God. It is now in hindsight, having come back to God, that I see it clearly.

In my mid teens I lost God. And in my mid teens I grew steadily into worse and worse depression.

This mood disorder actually became my God, in a way, you could say. Because it became my obsession. It ruled my life. I began to think of myself as broken. “I am the one with depression,” I would tell myself every day. And when trouble arose between myself and others, my friends, those closest to me… well I always had my closer friend, Depression, to blame for the problem.

“Forgive me, it was not me, it was just me being depressed,” I’d say. That only works so many times.

And the odd thing I found is that depression had its perks. People latched on to me in ways, saw me as one needing help. They’d console me, pick me back up, tell me I’m good and worthy. And they’d do this for me, over and over again.

Until, inevitably, the consolation ended. As did the friendships. They just couldn’t handle it anymore. I don’t blame them, either. Who’d want to hang out with Debby Downer all of the time? None of the SNL cast, surely…

So depression became my identity, in many ways. And it became my home. In a funny way, even as terrible as it was, it felt like home to be depressed. It became familiar, something to lean on when the rest of life didn’t make sense.

Yet it almost cost me my life many times over. In the deepest spiraling depths of depression, death indeed feels like a much needed release when nothing else seems to help. I tried to find answers, counsel, medicine. But no amount of human aid or even the love of another was enough to cure me.

Depression, With God?

So what did cure me? Am I cured?

I begin with the questions, and I cannot say I have the perfect answers, but I will explain as I may. And yes, I do feel that I am cured of my former ails in depression, as I have not had a serious bout of it in well over a year or more. And it used to be at least a weekly possibility, and at times a daily one in cold, dark months or on rainy days.

The quote, unquote “Cure” that I found to my struggle with depression was God. Now, I know, to those who may still feel that “God is a dirty word,” you may be running for cover. Then again, that’s assuming you’ve already read this far…

But it’s the truth. Last year an amazing woman came into my life (now my wife) and she helped me reclaim God in a way that felt right and made sense to me. Even after all the years of doubt and disbelief, the stubborn disconnect, the ranting and raving I did against the idea of a God on high.

Because now even my skeptical, overly-educated college mind who doubted anything science couldn’t prove began to have a new and real experience of what God is and what God could be in my experience and my expression.

What the hell does that mean?

What I mean is that I could know God in visceral ways that didn’t need explaining. I just felt these new experiences that could not be denied. I was learning from the likes of Ester Hicks (through Abraham), Paul Selig and others. I was learning about spiritual and even psychic phenomena in a real way that could not be ignored. Even as one who doubted that sort of thing before, when you experience it, really know it, it’s hard to deny.

Here’s one of many stories I could tell as an example: my wife psychically tuned into and knew all of my siblings in accurate and amazing ways without ever meeting them or hearing me speak almost anything about them yet. I mean she was spot on… knew their personalities, their general perks and also struggles. Some things you just cannot make up.

Also there is my wife’s healing touch and how much her attunement and knowing in God has helped me as she allows the powerful energy to flow through her; the way she holds her energetics and being personally and the way in which she blesses and clears her home space; the experiences of me beginning to clear my aura and field with sage and intention and removing daily energetic toxins that I had prior grown used to taking on from my world and my work.

These things did not happen overnight. I am still in process even now. But my God, they helped me tremendously even in their early stages of development last year.

I think one of the biggest take homes was this lesson from law of attraction teachings: I am what I think about and what I think about will grow and I am in control of what I think about.

Truly it made sense, still it makes sense. When I got in the worst of depressions it was because I thought those darkening, spiraling thoughts on and on until they got out of hand. The momentum often got so strong that it felt like I had been sucked down the drain and literally could not get myself out. Like there was no longer a place to reach my hand for a hold without continuing to slip downward.

And the same is true of lifting upwards. As I chose to first stop my downward thoughts and then reverse the process, I began to steer clear of depression and grow to a new level where it is not present, and certainly not as easy to slip into.

So I would claim these things, these positive, uplifting claims. And I would feel better and it would become easier to keep it up. And soon the momentum would take hold and the train would roll on down the track. And it would pick up speed and carry me higher and higher in my emotional state.

In fact this experience and this idea has helped inspire not only my recent post, “All Aboard the Happy Train,” but my children’s book, “I Am Joy,” that I am still in the process of publishing. You may read more about that here, and I hope you can help contribute to the GoFundMe fundraiser to help me self-publish this awesome kid’s book of upliftment and law of attraction claims.

One last comment before I wrap up.

I am sure it may sound like I have come to be in a place where I am always lifted and joyful and never sinking. And I will admit that this is not so. I still have moments that are much more up and some that are more down.

But again, the down moments are not nearly as low and I will never feel that deep depression anymore. And the down moments are much easier and quicker to get out of.

And the up moments are more common, more frequent, easier to claim and I continue to rise to better and better plateaus of positive expression in my life.

That is really the goal of it all. Get out of depression, level your bases, and rise from there up the mountain towards the joyful life you deserve, the life you CAN have.

And if God is a way to help you there, by all means claim that in your life. Life with the help of a benevolent and loving, all-knowing and all-powerful universal creative force is much easier, happier, and more supportive than one without. That’s what it boils down to.

Life with or without God? You choose. Always your choice.

I just find it easier with.

 

Thank you for reading. I truly hope this can help you in your own life or in the life of someone you know.

 

If this post has helped you or may help another, please share. And leave comments about what resonated most with you in reading this.

Many blessings to all,

Matthew