EA#21:
Read From the Beginning or the start of Trial Two or Three
The Mountain in the Clouds, Part Twenty-Four
“
Black night of the soul.
White star of light.
Powerful forces were at work.
And I had no idea what was going on.
I simply let it be. The shining light flared out into the void as a wave of energy that dissipated back into the darkness that I had been swallowed up in before.
What was that?
What was this experience of blinding light?
The voice returned again: This is the experience of all that is in the way you may know what it is. Do you understand this?
I supplicated simply: No.
There was nothing more. There was silence.
Ok, I am more lost, I thought.
You are not lost, the voice picked up.
Will you answer my questions?
Yes.
Why am I here?
The voice returned: That is a grand question. And it has an answer. One that may seem simple and confounding at the same time. You are here to know the light that you are. To know yourself as you are. To know yourself in relation to everything else. To know yourself in relation to all that is.
Why? I asked.
The voice: Because to do anything else would be to do nothing. Nothing would happen without experience. Experience would not happen without contrast. You must see the darkness to know the light.
Ok, I formed slowly in my thoughts… So this experience in this dark abysmal void, this light that I held and expanded with my thoughts… this is a microcosm for all that happens in life?
In a way, yes, the voice responded.
What does it mean? And what am I to gain from this? Where does this take me?
Do you not know? Must you ask? Can you not but simply trust?
Trust what? I almost demanded.
Trust that all is well. Trust that all is working out perfectly. Trust that you are well provided for. Trust that there is nothing happening that is wrong.
How can I trust this? I beseeched. I feel so lost!
You can only do as you allow, was the only and last answer I received in that moment of time in that space of swirling vortices.
Gods, what is this all about?
“Angie,” I shouted out. “Jaran! What is this trial? What am I do to? I feel as though I am being led in circles of confusion. This space of emptiness. These answers that do not satisfy. What can I even do in this place? I cannot move my body beyond this platform. I cannot do with my mind when I do not know what it is that must be done. Is it that I am to sit here endlessly and trust that something will happen. That the next step will be revealed?”
Yes.
This was said in my mind by a different sounding voice. But it held just as much sway.
So I should just sit here?
Sure.
And do what?
Meditate.
How shall I do that?
Sit. Breathe. Think less.
Then what?
Keep doing it.
I nearly cursed the nameless voice in my frustration. But I decided I’d better not. After all, I was in their world. Whatever this place was. Whoever they may be…
Are you out there!? I shouted in my mind as if it would reach the end of the abyss around me.
And the resounding answer, from what sounded like many voices, was simply: Always.
Ok, fine. I will sit. And I will mediate. There seems nothing better to do anyways.
It had been some time since I had actively meditated. In fact, I had never done it much anyway. But Jaran had tutored me in his practice of meditation and had always encouraged me to try it as often as I could.
So I sat on that rock platform. And I found a relatively comfortable spot. My ankles pressed into the stone a bit, and my back began to feel sore in short order. Especially my lower back. But I continued to sit. And close eyes. And focus on my breath.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in. And out.
I continued this way for some time. I tried to rest my body into a state of ease. To settle my mind into calm.
A vision began to form. Within. A sparkling on the edges of my inner eye. A landscape. Verdant grasses. Hills. A breeze blowing through leaves. A stream trickling over rocks. A castle wall. A drawbridge. A Gate.
It was vague, and it appeared in pieces and in spurts. I could not focus on it. But I felt as though it were all around me. I felt as though I could reach out and touch it. I felt as though I could open my eyes and see it. So I did. I opened my eyes.
Nothing. Again, I was in the black void, sitting on the stone slab. And my body reminded me of how uncomfortable it was. I shifted myself a little bit to release the tension. Ok, try again. I was getting somewhere. I think.
I closed my eyes. I breathed deeply, in and out. I waited to see what I could see. I tried to see that landscape. But nothing came to me.
Maybe I am trying too hard. I always remember Jaran explaining that meditating was never about efforting. You were simply to be, to allow. No expectations.
So I refocused on that. Simply being, allowing, without expectations. I breathed. And I sat. And I meditated for some time.
A new focus entered my mind’s eye. I saw a horizon before me. A bluish glow below, shining bright white, yellow above. Like a sunrise without a sun. A corona. A brilliance. A light.
Ah, is this the light again? My mind began to ponder. Alas, it faded. Wait, clear the mind, let it be. Allow. Flow.
The vision continued. I saw the glowing horizon. And I felt as though I were moving towards it. Flying towards it. Hurtling through the air. What was there?
Soon wisps of clouds became visible. At first they were small. Then they grew into larger patches. I found myself brushing through them, not unlike my initial journey with Jaran to the mountain in the clouds.
Is this where I am going?
But there was no mountain. In fact, I could not see any other form or shape. Just the light on the horizon and the wisps and clumps of clouds. And I kept flying.
Ok, this must be some test of patience. I am sure of it. There is nothing happening. And it seems the more I try to understand and make things happen, the more this trial continues without any sign of change. There is simply nothing happening.
So what is it that I am to do? Just wait and allow and hope for something to occur? Just trust that things may change, that things may move?
That is part of it, the voice answered as if calling from the infinite sky around me.
You’re back! I shouted inside my head. What else?
No answer.
Gods, this is trying. This certainly is a trial. But of what? I am getting nowhere here. Literally.
Then I was falling again. A familiar fall. And a familiar landing, thump, back on the stone ledge in the black void with the ropes hanging and the energies swirling.
Here we go again. Another round of this, I thought.
You are trying too hard, the voice soothed me. You must effort not. You must allow.
Allow what? I queried.
The voice: Allow whatever it is you wish to happen, to happen.
And how do I allow? How do I know what it is I wish to happen?
How do you know anything? The voice asked back. How do you decide on anything that you wish for?
I suppose, I answered, that I know what I want because it feels good to me. It is what I want to experience. But I am not sure what I am to want here. This place is so strange.
Is it any less strange than your life outside this place? The voice asked of me.
I answered: It is nothing like the world I know. There is no form, no substance. There is nothing here.
The voice: If you could see from outside of creation, you would see that there is truly nothing anywhere. What you see as so solid is but a creation of the mind that sees it. What does your mind wish to see? What would you call to you in this place?
Gods, I don’t know, I moaned.
It is not the gods that will provide what you need. It is you. You will create what you need when you are ready to call it to you, the voice concluded.
But all I want is solid ground, something familiar to see and to walk upon and to do. Can you not provide it?
There was no answer. But the answer in my own heart, my own mind reminded me of the words I had just heard: “It is not the gods that will provide what you need. It is you. You will create what you need when you are ready to call it to you.” And my inner voice added: but you must allow.
How do I allow a world to form around me when all I see is emptiness?
It didn’t take me long to decide on the only recourse I could think to take at that time.
Time to meditate again.
“
Thanks so much for reading.
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Blessings to you,
Matthew