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My Story

Today’s blog challenge: tell my story. Wait, I have lots of stories. Ok, just the one about me…

I was always called to write. Even as a child I felt this. I spent hours and days on end in my youth crafting worlds and stories. I drew maps, created characters, envisioned cities, detailed histories… all the stuff that I was inspired to by the likes of J.R.R. Tolkien.

Yet something happened when I became an adult. I got off my writing path. Stress, bills, and other adult responsibilities got the better of me and I put my writing aside for more “practical” pursuits. At least that seemed to be what the world was telling me to do. Be practical.

But my inner being knew that I still needed writing. So I dabbled in my own ways. At times I would redraft my fantasy world as life presented me with new information and knowledge. I also spent a nice decade and a half writing songs and music. Worthwhile pursuits.

First I Lost God

I had lost my sense of God for many years before reclaiming it recently in an honest way. It had to be an honest way, because for many years I was such a doubter, such a skeptic.

But I did lose touch with God for years ago.

Let me say first, I do not claim to be “born again.” That is fine for those who claim it. But it is not my path. And that word is loaded with baggage.

I do not even attend to a religion. I am just highly spiritual and practice my own connection to God. I may even sing a refrain of “Swing Low.” As the song claims, “I once was lost, but now I am found.”

Everyone has there own connection to God. No two persons’ spiritualities are exactly the same. They are merely perceptions of reality and of God that are framed by their own personal filter on life.

And by religion.

In and Out of Religion

I was born into an old school religion. Roman Catholic. Somehow it didn’t add up for me. Too archaic, lost in old thoughts. The more my teenage mind pondered it the less sense it made.

Then I went straight atheist. Briefly. It didn’t last too long, as I was too intrigued by those strange times in my life when things just seemed to line up in certain ways. You know what I mean? You may call them synchronicities. Maybe even miracles.

So I thought agnostic was a better fit. That way I didn’t completely deny the possibility of God. But I still didn’t want to believe in a God that was watching over me and helping me. Still, I couldn’t deny there was something more to the universe than little old me.

Let me be blunt here. The decade plus that I spent turning my back on God may have been the hardest years of my life. Not in all ways. I still got by. But spiritually and emotionally I was lost. There was little to no light more days than not. I was in the darkness.

The Darkness

Yea, depression. Have you ever experienced it? I started to really believe the things I was told. That it was something wrong with the chemicals in my brain. That somehow it was just part of who I am. A chronic mental disease for which I would need to take lifelong pills.

The thing is, I hated taking the pills. Sure there was usually an initial boost in mood. A placebo effect. The knowledge that I was in need of help, sought it out, and received it.

But after some days or a number of weeks of medicine, I always started to feel off. I don’t know how to put it. Just not myself. I have heard similar stories from others who have taken antidepressants. Like somehow parts of me were shut down, and not just the “bad” parts that made me feel down. Others parts seemed to go with it. Essential parts.

So I would get off the meds again and try other means of fixing my depression. I tried just about everything. Maybe I will share some examples, but not just now. Some are even too personal. Mostly they involved attempts at changing my personality or lifestyle.

To be fair there were methods that actually did help, like yoga, exercise, or playing music. These types of activities I still maintain today, and not just for my emotional health.

But nothing solved my problem.

Return to God

So eventually saw me through this darkness, this depression?

Well I am happy to say that only recently I seem to have found my solution. And I credit it almost entirely to my return to God. My return to that knowing that all is well and that my creator loves me and guides me and helps me every moment of every day.

I had been reaching for God in many ways over the years. In lost ways. It would come out in lyrics I wrote, and other pursuits. But not coherent.

Most recently I was writing lyrics for an album that actually involved the idea of God in a big way. It surprised me at first because the part of me that had gone atheist/agnostic could not believe I was using the idea of God again. I almost didn’t trust it. But it called to me anyways, as if the songs depended on it. As if the songs were built for it.

And there was Reiki.

I got into the massage profession seeking to be a healer, for others as well as myself. This work led to find a Reiki Master and get attuned. As I started working with the energy I loved it. I initially joked that I was becoming a Jedi Master rather than a Reiki Master. And I began talking about things I had never considered discussing openly. Like ascended masters and light beings and archangels.

The ultimate triumph was meeting a light being in real life. I am not exaggerating much here. Sure she is human. Sure she is my girlfriend. But she is a powerful healer and she has helped pry open my door back to God. My old, ironclad, heavy door that was just slightly ajar, waiting for that push to open it. She came into my life and wrenched it right open. Then out poured the light.

The Light, and My Mission

I’d say long story short here but I already told a long story…

So why am I here? Why am I blogging?

Because it is my life’s desire to do so, to write. I feel it is God working through me to offer my words and my experiences in the best ways that I can.

So I chose to begin blogging to open up that forum in a big way. To just get out there, get online, share my words, my thoughts, my beliefs, my stories, my experiences.

My desire is that my writings will help inspire and guide and heal others who may read them.

So what?

Ok, how do I do that? How do I write to inspire and guide and heal?

Well, in a number of ways, some obvious and others more subtle.

I intend to offer many direct discussions addressing spirituality. At the same time, I believe it can be powerful to encode these discussions in the subtext of a narrative. That way readers can enjoy a plot rich with fun characters and new places, while still experiencing an important allegory beneath the surface.

Do I claim to have all the answers to give you on this blog? No, not remotely. But I feel that I do have important ideas to share that may be of great benefit to those who may read them.

Please feel free to share your stories in the comments below. It could be about your own journey in losing faith or reclaiming God in your life. Or perhaps your own personal struggles with depression or finding your life’s path to following your dreams.

That’s all for now. Stay tuned. This blog is just getting ready for the fun.

Blessings to you all,

Matthew

DAY 15

 

 

P.S.

Day 14 of 30 Day Blog and Self-Soothe Challenges

The blog series in which I am completing my challenge from 30dayblogchallenge.com!

As well as a self-made challenge inspired by Abraham Hicks in which I self-soothe myself through negative emotion.

At the end of this 30 day journey I intend to be more fully on my life’s path, “all systems go.”

Challenge updates part and parcel to the post above.

Thank you for reading. Blessings.